


Guide Me Home

by AnakinCaffrey



Category: White Collar
Genre: Accidental Bonding, Childhood Trauma, Crime Scenes, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Psychological Trauma, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Rape Recovery, Revenge, Rough Sex, Stalking, Temporarily Unrequited Love, implied prostitution, murders, serial killer Neal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-17 00:30:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9296285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnakinCaffrey/pseuds/AnakinCaffrey
Summary: Neal traveled down a dark path for a very long period of time after being viciously traumatized, until he found someone who made turning back seem worthwhile.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is based on lyrics from "Dark Star" by Starset and this song also inspired the idea for this story. In addition, thanks to my lovely twitter followers for settling my indecisiveness when it came to the title, lol.

Neal Caffrey wasn’t your average, everyday New Yorker, but he sure made himself seem convincing enough. He had a job like any other adult trying to make a living on their own, but he also had a darker side to him that no one else saw—until it was too late. He had a dark past that led him to this point and he’d already fallen off of the edge. He was in too deep and there was honestly no way out—or at least not a way Neal could see or accept. What had been done to him was cruel, but it twisted him, tormented him.

His victims weren’t necessarily people he knew, but he came to know them very well over time without actually speaking to them on occasion as well. He stalked them like a predator stalking its prey. That was a very accurate description of what he was doing considering how things always ended.

Dragging a body behind a dumpster, he breathed heavily and shoved the body aside where it wasn’t within immediate view. This was about sending a message. Anyone with authority and power was responsible for the suffering of others as far as he was concerned. This body was that of a male who had done horrible things to homeless children in the slums and dark alleys of New York. Whenever it came to children, he didn’t hesitate to collect his information within two weeks of marking his prey.

He had a pattern, but he made sure he selected areas that weren’t under surveillance. Unfortunately, these areas could only be used once or twice before he noticed the cameras being installed in a subtle way. He knew how to act as if he weren’t guilty because he didn’t believe he was guilty. He was saving lives by taking others. More often than not, he was saving children.

Neal wasn’t homeless, but he decided to hang around areas where he knew homeless children were usually located. He protected them without their knowledge. As far as they knew, he was a homeless man who was dressed relatively well—and usually dressed entirely in black. He never gave his name to anyone. Not his real name anyway. The children only knew him as ‘Nick.’ They knew they could trust him and he always assured them that he wouldn’t let anyone get away with hurting them. Despite them believing he was homeless as well, Neal made sure he brought the children food and water as often as he could manage. While he didn’t particularly care for people his own age or older, his heart softened around children. He just had this _need_ to help them and take care of them…

Glancing around, Neal made sure he’d taken all pieces of potential evidence that could be used to trace him. He’d been doing this for a very long time, so he knew how to cover his tracks rather well. The only thing he didn’t do was mask his face. He wanted his victims to see who was killing them and he made damn sure he told them they were going straight to hell for what they did.

After everything he’d been put through, this was good enough for him. Helping others gave him satisfaction when he couldn’t help himself. Later on, he’d feel the depths of his madness and depression, but he could feel the high right now. The high is what kept him going. This was almost as good as getting himself off sexually, but this wasn’t sexual gratification for himself. This was solely for revenge.

Even though his primary focus was on men who harmed children, he had it out for government officials and police officers. Police officers were his primary targets though. He’d only had one or two encounters with government officials because he didn’t actively seek them out. Whenever he caught on to a bad cop or bad agent, he made sure they were dealt with properly.

Neal, after he’d surveyed the area thoroughly, left. He went home so he could clean himself up. It was very likely that the man’s body would be found in the morning, but he’d be long gone and no one would know he was responsible.

Upon entering his apartment, he removed his black gloves and began to unzip his black leather jacket. His face, gloves, and clothing were covered in spattered blood. It was always a wonder how no one approached him after his murders, but he also took routes that weren’t used very often—if at all. He knew how it would look if he came home covered in blood and someone happened to catch him. Fortunately, no one ever seemed to be awake when he was returning in the early morning hours.

As was part of his routine, he entered his bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. He was very brutal when it came to his victims, but he always made damn sure he killed them. The last thing he wanted was for someone to live and tell the tale of surviving his madness. He was still incredibly high from his most recent kill, but the mirror also allowed him to see the wall behind him. It was covered in newspaper clippings related to his murders. They were little mementos of what he’d done and he took pride in ending the lives of dirty figures of authority.

Lifting his left hand, he stroked his jaw and swiped his fingers across his skin. When he pulled his hand away from his face, he glanced down and saw how bloody his fingers were. A small smile began to creep across his expression, but that was only because he was trying to drag out the high. Once he came down from this, he knew he’d go into a deep, dark depression that required absolute solitude. Glancing to the right, Neal focused on a notepad. He reached out for it and one of the pens beside it. Upon flipping to one of the pages in his notepad, he used his pen and scratched across the paper with the red ink of the pen. “John Garcia,” he murmured to himself, sounding a little giddy as he stared at the name he’d crossed out. It wasn’t the first and it certainly wasn’t the last. He had a long list of names that he continued adding to. “Rest in hell.” He tossed the pen aside along with the notepad before staring at himself in the mirror once again. His eyes were always cold and dead after a murder, so he wasn’t surprised to see that this was the case at this very moment as well. Then again, he’d looked like this since the day he’d been severely traumatized by dirty police officers. The remainder of those particular officers were his prime targets, but he tended to drag out that process to make them sweat when they realized how many of their comrades and allies were being killed in a serial fashion. “All of you are going to pay someday,” he whispered. “I’ll make damn sure of it.”

•◊•

Twelve hours following the murder, Neal woke up to the news that the body of Judge John Garcia had been found in an alleyway behind a dumpster. He was sitting on his couch as he listened to the news anchor detail everything they’d found at the scene. “ _There is no clear motive at this time and police have not yet named any suspects._ ” He felt a little giddy inside upon hearing that there were no suspects. That meant that he’d cleaned up after himself very well. “ _Police believe this isn’t an isolated incident and that he follows the same methods used prior to execute several police officers and two FBI agents._ ”

A police officer appeared on the news cast then and it was a face Neal hadn’t seen before. “ _I’m Officer Peter Burke, a recently transferred officer from Maine. I’ve followed this method of execution since the very first victim was found. We believe that this is the work of a serial killer._ ” Neal smirked. “ _We are working to the best of our abilities to find whoever is responsible for so many deaths. In the last ten years, we have lost far too many police officers. Whoever is responsible for this hasn’t isolated their victims to police officers, however._ ” Officer Burke cleared his throat before saying, “ _Judge John Garcia oversaw cases brought to him by victims of sexual assault, so we are looking into anyone who has reported an assault to him in the last decade._ ” Neal’s heart froze and his lips parted in surprise.

He was usually very good at predicting what the police would attempt to do, but this hadn’t crossed his mind. He hadn’t believed the police would link the possibility of the perpetrator being one of the cases Judge Garcia oversaw—or turned away. Neal swallowed hard as Officer Burke continued to speak, indicating that he was looking into this and would personally work to find the killer or killers behind this.

Neal had a reason for murdering the judge the previous night and it’d taken him less than two weeks to properly coordinate when and where to kill him. Hell, after discovering that the judge’s sexuality was deeply in the closet, he’d even gone so far as to exploit that. It’d been eleven years since the last time he spoke to the man in person.

Looking down at the floor miserably, Neal thought back to the last time he’d set foot in a courtroom before he found himself traveling down this dark, destructive past.

It’d been in July of two thousand five and he was fourteen years old at the time. He’d gone to the judge for help because he’d been brutally violated by men he knew.

His fingers curled into his palm and his fingernails began to bite into his skin until blood began to emerge, but he felt no pain. Nothing would ever come close to the pain he endured when he’d been gang-raped in a Washington D.C. alleyway. Five men had been responsible, but one man manipulated him into allowing it. He’d been a naïve teenager who said he’d do anything for a few bucks, but he hadn’t realized that meant he was selling his body to this man and his buddies.

Neal had wanted to escape the place he’d been living in with his parents and his father’s best friend made an offer to help him. Naturally, Neal had only seen the good in what was being offered to him and he thought nothing of the consequences. He’d blindly followed the man until they arrived at their destination and then he was beaten nearly into unconsciousness.

The clothes he’d been wearing were ripped apart and he’d been raped very soon after. At first, he’d been sodomized by a few beer bottles—but then the men decided he was ready for their cocks. Despite his screams, no one came to help him. No one called the police, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. The men who raped him were police officers serving in the same precinct as his own father.

Bruce Lionel was the man who first raped him and he was also the man who manipulated him. Since he was Neal’s father’s best friend, Neal trusted him. He hadn’t expected this man to shove beer bottles into his ass to prepare him for further penetration. It’d been incredibly painful and he was scarred in more ways than one from that night forward—internally as well as externally.

The beer bottles had been broken prior to them being used to sodomize him, so they’d inevitably cut him internally. He bled for quite some time and it was so terrible that he needed severe medical help when he’d finally gotten to a hospital. Eleven years later, those scars still hadn’t healed and occasionally reopened to burn him from the inside out. He hadn’t had an intimate relationship in his entire life, especially not after what had been done to him.

That night made him feel worthless and as if he were damaged goods. He knew he was attractive back then. A lot of people told him so, but he’d enjoyed that attention until that attention ended up leading him into this trauma that he’ll live with for the rest of his life. His miserable life. He was alone and unhappy—unhappy when he wasn’t killing someone or working to hide the evidence of what he’d done. He found it particularly intriguing to leave nothing behind for the police to find. All they could do was speculate…

Thinking back to that awful night, Neal recalled how Bruce and his friends raped him for approximately an hour or two in that alleyway prior to taking him to Bruce’s home—where he was raped continuously by all of these men. In total, that gang-rape lasted at least five and a half hours. In that amount of time, Neal suffered tremendously—physically and psychologically. He’d been tortured in more ways than one and more ways than he’d ever like to admit to. The fortunate thing for him was that he never intended on becoming emotionally close to anyone. He never planned on trusting another individual again. Trust led him to a terrible, terrible experience.

That night had changed him forever.

As he stared at a picture of the man he’d murdered the previous night, he shoved his dread down. This man, this judge, deserved to die. Neal had gone to him for help and he’d been turned away. He’d been called a liar and his case hadn’t gotten far. The policemen responsible for his rape were reputable men and he was just a child, so how could he have had a chance against them?

To make matters worse, his report hadn’t been confidential and that information made its way back to the policemen who raped him. Bruce, the ringleader in all of this, ended up finding out six months down the road that Neal tried to report him. Knowing he could easily regain access to Neal by being the best friend of Neal’s father, he’d offered to babysit Neal when Neal’s parents left for a few days.

That had been a crucial mistake on Bruce’s part. Neal had been enraged beyond belief by the lack of credibility given to him and the immediate discard of his case. He’d plotted Bruce’s demise since finding out he couldn’t legally get help. Upon being told that Bruce was going to be watching over him, he’d prepared himself. He wasn’t going to allow himself to be violated again even if it were the last effort he ever put into anything. That man was going to have to kill him before entering his body again.

Bruce arrived with the intention of raping Neal and he’d, once again, been successful despite Neal’s efforts. However, the end result was absolutely different the second time. While Neal had allowed himself, something he told himself he’d done in order to truly blame himself for what had happened both times, to endure rape once again, he’d been able to get away long enough to grab a knife he’d put in his bedroom closet. He’d stabbed Bruce a dozen times at the very least in multiple crucial areas of his body. Bruce hadn’t been prepared for Neal to turn the tables on him. That had been Bruce’s biggest flaw.

The nine-one-one call he made almost twenty minutes later gave off the impression that he’d found his babysitter dead in his bedroom after emerging from his shower. The police arrived to a crime scene that looked as if a forced break-in had occurred. It also helped that Neal was sobbing and shaking when the police arrived. He made it seem like he’d been traumatized by finding the man dead, but it was really his trauma due to being raped repeatedly by this man that had caused his breakdown.

As Neal returned to the present, he found himself listening to the reporter and Officer Burke once again. “ _Do you have any idea as to who might be behind this, such as someone you’ve dealt with before?_ ”

Officer Burke shook his head in dismay. “ _Unfortunately, this is one of the more recent serial killers we’ve dealt with and it has to be the same killer that emerged eleven years ago._ ” He looked like he was deeply troubled by what he was saying. “ _We have never gotten a witness report nor have we ever caught these kills on surveillance cameras. Whoever this bastard is, they’re smart._ ”

Neal cracked another smile at that. Officer Burke clearly wanted to find him and bring him down, but he could tell the officer was impressed by him as well. He’d taught himself how to do all of this over the span of the last eleven years. There weren’t any links to him specifically because no one had ever seen him. No one had ever watched him commit his murders. “ _Do you think you’ll be able to find whoever is responsible?_ ”

The officer looked determined as he said, “ _This case has become our top priority. We need to figure out who is killing our officers and legislative officials. So far, the string of serial kills possibility committed by this killer have all been located within Manhattan, so there’s a good chance that we’ll find him._ ” Neal’s smile fell slightly. He couldn’t drive, so he’d only gone after people who were in Manhattan since that was the only area he could easily traverse by foot.

As he turned off the television, Neal sat in silence to contemplate his next move. This Officer Burke is a smart man—a smart man who may be able to track him down. Given that this man had only recently come here, he had a pretty good idea of what he was talking about and looking for. He had to have been following this case for a long time prior to arriving in New York, so he may prove to be a dangerous foe.

Neal stood up from his seat on the couch and went into his bathroom to retrieve his notepad and pen. Within moments, he was flipping open his notepad and writing _Peter Burke_ under John Garcia. This man was going to be a thorn in his side unless he took him out as well. He hadn’t done anything to a child, but Neal couldn’t risk getting himself arrested and incarcerated. His sole goal and purpose in life was to protect children and prevent harm from coming to _more_ innocent children.

Surveillance was going to need to be initiated on this man sooner than his usual method allowed him. He usually gave it a few weeks to a few months before targeting his next victim, but Burke is dangerous already. He’s smarter than the other officers Neal’s dealt with. Perhaps he was an innocent man, but even the innocent were put in harm’s way.

Turning quickly, Neal moved swiftly towards his bedroom. He set his notepad and pen down on the nightstand beside his bed before heading over to his dresser so he could prepare himself for his next move. Burke was going to regret putting himself on this case and Neal would make sure of it. He had so many lives to help and Burke was getting in the way of his crusade.

Dressing himself casually, he returned to his nightstand and grabbed his sunglasses from within the drawer as well as the black fedora atop his nightstand. He didn’t want anyone to identify him just yet and it wouldn’t do for Burke to see him before he had the opportunity to study the man extensively.

Within five minutes, Neal had grabbed an additional notepad and pencil. He would definitely need to take notes on this man. Bringing him down was imperative, but he was no regular target. This target was smart, so he’d need to step up his game.

Upon leaving his apartment, he could feel that his high was going to continue until he brought Burke down to ensure his own safety—then, and only then, would he be able to come down from his own high.


	2. Chapter 2

Peter Burke was a smart man indeed. He was proving himself to be a very interesting character who worked meticulously when he was on the clock and spent most of his off-time alone. Neal could admire his need for solitude, but he found some of Burke’s activities intriguing. He’d begun studying Peter Burke’s movements two weeks ago and was gaining a very deep knowledge of the kind of man he is when he’s not on duty.

For one, the man enjoys spending weekends anonymously hooking up with men in the back rooms of an all-male club. He’d followed Burke inside several times, but he’d never once approached the man. Tonight was going to be different, however, because he needed to get close to Burke before Burke had the opportunity to finally track him down due to the fact that he has a connection to Judge John Garcia, the man he’d killed only two weeks earlier. He needed to build up some kind of foundation with this man and it’d only prove to be awkward once Burke showed up at his door and realized he’d unprofessionally interacted with one of his potential suspects.

Tonight, Neal was perched on a barstool, drinking for the first time in quite some time. Indulging in alcoholism was detrimental to him and his functions when he considered killing his victims, so he avoided alcohol unless he was on his way down from his high. Due to the fact that Burke was keeping him on his high, he decided to drink just a little tonight so he fit in rather than because he didn’t want to be conscious when he came down.

Neal dressed himself in tightly leather pants that emphasized his ass and a sleeveless black shirt. Burke was an ass man from the looks of it, so Neal was doing whatever he could to draw the man’s attention to him. He usually arrived within the next half hour to forty-five minutes, but Neal wanted to establish that he’d been here for quite some time prior to his arrival.

He accepted that men would flirt with him while he was waiting and he did flirt back, but he turned down their offers to head into a back room. He claimed he was waiting for someone who truly piqued his sexual interest and Burke was the man to do that. If he were going to give himself to any man tonight, it had to be Burke. He didn’t identify as heterosexual or homosexual up to this point because he never wanted to be intimate with anyone. Anyone could hurt him and he wasn’t going to allow himself to be hurt again, especially when it came to men, but this was an exception because he needed to get close to Burke before he could kill him.

“You look new,” a particularly masculine voice said from behind him. Neal’s heart began to race and that made him curious. He’d never felt like this before, but he glanced over his shoulder to see the man he’d been waiting for smiling at him kindly. “Are you new?”

“I am,” Neal said softly as he managed a small smile himself.

The chocolate eyes staring back at him made him feel a certain kind of way that he had never felt in his entire life. To be honest, he wasn’t even sure how to describe the feeling. It felt exhilarating, but not in the same sense that it did when he killed one of his victims. “I’m Peter,” the man said as he extended his hand towards Neal.

Neal debated on using an alias and figured it may be best. “Nick,” he responded as he shook the other man’s hand. “Do you come here often?”

Burke nodded. “Unfortunately, yes,” he said with a grimace. Neal gave him a curious look. He was intrigued and wanted to understand why Burke seemed somewhat ashamed that he comes here. “I don’t really have the time for an intimate relationship, so…”

“I understand,” Neal said in response. He really didn’t. He hadn’t been with anyone intimately—ever by choice—and he’d never been in a relationship. “Just looking for a quick, one-time thing?” Burke nodded, so Neal shrugged and added, “I don’t suppose you approached me just to have a drink with me then.”

The other man continued to appear ashamed of himself. “I’d be lying if I said you weren’t attractive,” he admitted. “You make me wish I were capable of a relationship.” Neal’s brows shot up because that hadn’t been something he was expecting. Given that this man was an intelligent police officer, he didn’t expect Burke to be so open and personal with him. “Uh…” Burke stammered when he realized he’d shocked the other man. “I’m sorry. I can leave.”

“No,” Neal said without thinking. He wasn’t quite sure if he were forming an attraction to this man after watching him and solely him for so long or if he were just interested in getting close to this man to get the job done sooner. “Don’t worry. That’s just something I haven’t heard in a long time.”

“Oh. I thought I made you uncomfortable.”

Neal shook his head. “Nah. I just haven’t found anyone who seemed to be genuinely interested in me.” That was probably because the only men he’d found himself around ended up becoming his victims. Burke stepped closer to him then and rested his hand on Neal’s thigh. “If you’re interested in fucking, I suppose I’d be fine with that.”

Burke hesitated for a few moments before whispering, “You don’t look like someone who deserves to be fucked.” Neal felt an instant pang of anger and sadness hit him. Was he not good enough for this man? Even if he planned on killing the man later, he didn’t expect the bastard to be so blunt with him and tell him he didn’t deserve sex. Despite his inner feelings, he’d schooled his expression and waited for Burke to expand on what he’d just said. “You’re beautiful and, from what I can tell just from talking to you, very kind. You don’t deserve to have your body used.” Neal’s brows furrowed once again. Burke sighed quietly and leaned closer to him, breathing hot air against his ear. “I don’t say this often, but you look like someone who deserves to have love made to him.” Neal stiffened unintentionally. Burke immediately noticed and backed off. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable—again.”

It wasn’t that Burke himself made Neal uncomfortable. It was just that his words and actions made him think about what had been done to him. Those words reminded him of what’d been said to him prior to being raped. “I don’t mind fucking,” he whispered. “I’m not looking for love.”

Noticing the immediate change in Neal’s demeanor, Burke asked, “Nick, are you okay?” Neal glanced up at him questioningly. “You just don’t seem like a guy interested in fucking. When I say fucking, I mean, like, brutal sex.” Neal’s throat dried at the very thought. He hadn’t known there were different connotations to the word ‘fucking.’ He’d just assumed fucking was consensual intimacy and rape was sexual intercourse without consent. “If you came here to get laid, I don’t mind being your guy for the night, but I don’t think I could look at you and intentionally pound into you.”

Forcing a smile, Neal said, “I don’t mind whatever you want to do to me.” He didn’t really appreciate that the man assumed that he was a bottom, but he knew Burke was a top. Even if the very thought of bottoming gave him anxiety, he knew he needed to get closer to Burke. Getting close enough to earn his trust and throw it all back in his face as he killed him was imperative. “Where do we go?”

Burke shifted his weight from foot to foot for a few moments. “There’s a back room we can check out. I can grab some condoms and lube if you’d like.” Neal nodded curtly. He was letting Burke do whatever Burke wanted to do. As long as Burke was still interested in him after sex, this would all end well—for Neal, anyway. “If you head over to that guy,” he said as he nodded towards one of the obvious bouncers standing beside a doorway, “he’ll let you in and give you a room to wait for me in. Just tell him you’re with Peter so he’ll let me in.” Neal nodded as he stood up. He bumped into the other man a bit and was taken by surprise when Burke’s arm slid around him. “Are you a little tipsy?”

“No,” Neal said tightly. “I don’t drink often, but I’m not a lightweight.”

Burke nodded. “I just don’t want you to do anything you wouldn’t normally do. Having sex with a drunk man who can’t really given his own consent is against everything I come for when I’m here.” In a way, Neal could appreciate that this man had boundaries. He assumed Burke might be a control freak looking to overpower his bottom, but he seemed like a genuinely caring man who didn’t want to take advantage of his sexual partners. Hell, the way he’d been talking to him was bizarre enough. Neal had never ‘made love’ and never intended on doing so. He and Burke were going to fuck and they were going to do so repeatedly until he made Burke vulnerable enough to stab him in the back—or chest, whichever way the man will be facing at the time.

Neal rested his hand on Burke’s chest and smiled a little. “I’m consenting,” he whispered. “See you in the back?” Burke stared into his eyes for a few moments before smiling in return and nodding. He quickly pecked Neal’s lips, stunning the young man once again. He definitely didn’t expect this from someone who came for casual sex, but he watched as Burke went to get them lube and condoms. Given that he’d mentioned the plural, Neal had to wonder just how long Burke planned on keeping him in the back.

Once Burke was out of his immediate view, Neal started heading towards the back where the bouncer was guarding the back rooms. Neal assumed he was there to make sure no one was injured too severely or taken back there against their will. “Looking for a room?” the man asked when Neal approached him.

Nodding, Neal said, “I’m Nick. Peter’s getting a couple things and then he said he’d join me.”

The man smiled a bit before nodding himself. “Head back in and take two rights. The second door on the left is available.” Neal nodded once again as the man gestured for him to enter the hallway.

As Neal headed back, the scent of sex hit him immediately. If he hadn’t known this were for sex, he would’ve found out just then. It didn’t deter him, but it didn’t make him feel very comfortable either. He hadn’t had sex in a decade and he couldn’t even really consider his last experience sex since it was rape. In essence, he’d never been with a man who respected him and wanted his consent.

Neal followed the bouncer’s directions and found himself in a cozy, little room with a large bed smack dab in the center against the far wall. He wasn’t quite sure what the others rooms looked like, but this one looked pleasant. Leaving the door open just a crack, Neal headed over to the bed and sat down on the end of it. His mind began to race as he considered all of the trauma and pain that was going to flood his thoughts and emotions the second he and Burke began their sexual activities.

In less than five minutes, Neal could hear someone approaching the door. He straightened up as it was pushed open and then he couldn’t help smiling when Burke came in, shut the door, and turned to face him with a smile on his own face. Neal was trying to seem genuine because he needed to be convincing. He needed Burke to be interested in him. That would be his own undoing. “You look so beautiful on that bed.” Neal hated the fact that he began to blush when Burke approached him and caressed his jaw. Burke stared into his eyes once again, making Neal wonder what his deal was. Was he searching for the deception and darkness? Perhaps this was Burke’s way of interrogating men—claiming that he was going to have sexual intercourse with them when all he wanted to do was ask them questions to suit his own purposes. “You don’t look like you can’t make decisions for yourself, so I suppose I’ll have to accept your consent.”

_Oh._ “Don’t worry. I can definitely make my own decisions.” Burke chuckled. “How do you usually do things?”

Burke shrugged. “I usually ask my partners that.” Neal swallowed hard. He didn’t really know what to ask of this man. Despite the intelligence he possessed when it came to killing a man, hiding the evidence, and plotting for his next murder, he had no idea how to manage a sexual situation, especially since he was giving this man control to do whatever he pleased to his body. “Do you have a preference for anything?”

“Not particularly,” Neal whispered.

The other man’s brows furrowed now as he looked at Neal. His hand paused against Neal’s jaw and he looked a little unsettled. Neal was trying to figure out why without asking. It was so strange to see Burke looking at him as if he were searching Neal’s soul. He wasn’t going to find anything attractive if he kept looking into him like this. “Nick, have you been sexually assaulted before?”

Neal’s eyes widened and his jaw immediately dropped. “ _What?_ ”

Burke seemed to think his sudden question may have been inconsiderate and insensitive. He had a knack of being blunt, so he didn’t have much of a filter. He’d also seen victims of sexual assault before. “I’m sorry,” he apologized immediately. “The way you’re acting seems so…off,” Burke whispered. “Have you been assaulted?” Burke remembered how distant and withdrawn victims had been and how nervous they were around the particular gender they’d been assaulted by.

The fact that he seemed to pick up on this wasn’t good at all. Neal hadn’t wanted this man to figure out he’d been raped from the get go, but he had somehow. That threw Neal off his game because he was trying to win this man’s affections and lure him to his own demise—not have Burke turn the tables on him and discover that he’d been sexually assaulted the very first time they met. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m just wondering,” Burke said solemnly. He looked apologetic. “You’re a beautiful man and—”

Neal hadn’t really planned for any of this, so his own reactions to Burke’s words were so out of character for him, but he couldn’t help the terror building up inside of him. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to go. Burke wasn’t supposed to know he’d been raped. They were supposed to fuck, Neal was going to play with his heart, and then he’d eventually kill the man. “So you assume I was raped just because I’m _beautiful?_ ” he asked defensively.

“No, no, no,” Burke said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that and I’m sorry if it did.”

The horrors of his past began to engulf him then and he hadn’t planned ahead for this either. He knew he was fully capable of pushing these horrific images aside for the time being, but they had their times when they overwhelmed him. Burke had unfortunately and unintentionally triggered him by calling him ‘beautiful.’ Well, not necessarily ‘beautiful’ in general, but with a sexual connotation and implication… He’d been called ‘beautiful’ by the men who raped him—while they were raping him. “I-I…” Neal shut his eyes tightly as he imagined a man shoving him against a wall, slamming his face against it and undoubtedly scraping his skin in the process. His body began to burn and he knew he couldn’t do this tonight. He’d have to try again another time, but tonight was too much for him. “I have to go,” he said urgently as he shoved Peter back and darted towards the door.

Neal fully expected Burke to take advantage of him and stop his escape or pursue him. He also expected the bouncer to stop him from leaving as well, but none of that happened. Burke let him leave and didn’t chase him down—and the bouncer didn’t stop him or question him as he ran past him.

As soon as he’d made it outside, he felt dread and guilt overwhelming him. The high was wearing off and Burke was responsible for that. The bastard hadn’t even been killed tonight and he was bringing Neal down from his high. He didn’t appreciate just how off his game he’d been tonight. This bastard was a real wild card and far too smart for Neal to simply approach for sex without thinking he’d be asked questions.

Burke must have picked up on his body language or facial expressions that Neal hadn’t realized he himself was doing, but Burke was far too smart for simple flirtation and sex. He needed to mentally and emotionally prepare himself better before he could return and try for a second time. He deemed this a failure, but perhaps it truly wasn’t. Perhaps it was a lesson for him. He shouldn’t expect this to be such an easy task to go about accomplishing. The police officer in Burke must have known what to look for, so Neal needed to work on concealing his past and pain.

Neal fell to his knees and began to breathe heavily as he shut his eyes tightly. He felt nauseous just thinking about the rapes from his past, but feeling so out of control didn’t help either. The cold air around him helped, but only slightly. It was going to take a lot more than a cold breeze to help him clear his mind and overcome this. He knew he should have gotten counseling, but who needed counseling when he could get the exhilaration and satisfaction he needed by murdering men who tormented him or other children? Then again, that thought alone probably meant he needed counseling. To think murder was the answer was rather insane and he realized that.

“Nick?” Neal stiffened at the mention of his alias. “I’m so sorry,” the man said as he neared Neal. “I shouldn’t have asked you something so personal.” Neal hadn’t moved from where he was kneeling on the ground. He was trying to swallow down his fear. That didn’t stop Burke from approaching him and crouching beside him. “It’s none of my business and I’m so sorry for making you uncomfortable. I’m so sorry for triggering you. It was really insensitive of me to ask that kind of question.”

Burke waited beside him silently and patiently as he tried to make himself breathe normally again. Once he’d finally regained his self-control, he lifted his head, opened his eyes, and met Burke’s gaze. Those damnable chocolaty eyes were full of concern and apology. They also made Neal feel a certain kind of way… What that way was, he couldn’t fully explain. “It’s all right,” Neal whispered. “I’m all right.”

Burke continued to watch him apologetically before saying, “Will you let me call you a cab? I don’t want to leave you here like this and I want to make sure you get home safely.”

Neal nodded even as he said, “I’m sorry. I ruined things before they started…”

The soft smile that crossed Burke’s expression made Neal’s insides feel cold. “Don’t worry,” he assured him. “Assuming I learn some tact, perhaps you’ll be interested in giving me a second chance sometime?” Neal watched him intensely for a few moments to give himself time to consider his options. He could just snipe the man from a distance, which definitely wasn’t his usual method, or he could attempt to keep this scheme going until he finally managed to kill the man using his serial method. 

Aside from the fact that he despises guns, Neal also enjoyed the kill firsthand. He enjoyed the blood as it splattered all over him in the heat of the moment. A gun took that satisfaction away from him, especially if he were at a distance. “If you’re interested in giving me a second chance,” Neal whispered in response.

Burke grinned at him and nodded. “Absolutely.” He helped Neal straighten up and continued to hold onto his hand firmly even as he began to call for a cab. Neal was perfectly capable of doing this himself or walking home, but he decided allowing Burke the illusion of chivalry may work to his benefit down the road. It might actually make up for this little stumble, too.

The man waited with Neal until the cab finally arrived and Neal turned to him. “Thank you very much and I apologize, again, for ruining things.”

Rolling his eyes, Burke said, “You can thank me by making it home safely and meeting me here again in…a week? How does that sound?” Neal smiled silently in response. He watched as Burke began to reach into his pocket. After a few moments, he pulled a small card out and handed it to Neal. Upon glancing at it, Neal realized Burke had just given him his number. It wasn’t even a card to call him at his office. The ink of the pen he’d used to write with was still incredibly fresh, so Neal figured Burke had written it before coming into the room. That slightly disturbed Neal, but it worked out. His plan hadn’t been ruined. “Don’t worry about ‘ruining’ things. If anyone ruined anything, it was definitely me.” He led Neal over to the cab and opened the door for him like a perfect gentleman. “Good night, Nick. I hope to see you here again next week.”

“Good night, Peter,” he said as he began to slide into the cab. He gave the man one last smile and whispered, “I’ll see you next week,” before Burke closed the door for him.

The man was far too kind for his liking and Neal was beginning to regret that he’d have to kill him. He’d never felt regret when it came to targeting and killing his victims, but there was something about this particular man that had him feeling strange. That wouldn’t do, so he’d have to kill the man as soon as possible. Nonetheless, he gave the cab driver his address and began to plot his next encounter with Burke. This hadn’t gone over so well in his opinion, but he would be able to turn this around and make it work in the end. He was sure of it.

That bastard wasn’t going to outsmart or deter him.


	3. Chapter 3

A week had gone by rather quickly. Neal spent the entirety of that week trying to overcome his irrational fear that Burke had elicited from him by asking a question. By the time he walked into the club, he was ready for Burke’s arrival. He’d been determined to get his game together because he didn’t think Burke would give him a third chance if he fucked up for the second time in a row.

Peter Burke, on the other hand, had been working on his case for the entirety of the week since seeing Neal. He’d dreamt about ‘Nick’ to distract himself from the hell he was going through while trying to track down potential suspects in this serial killer case. Neal knew he himself was getting up there in Burke’s list, so tonight had to be the night he became closer to the man.

Just like the last time they’d seen each other—or Burke had seen him since he’d seen plenty of Burke in the last week—Neal was sitting at the bar on the exact same barstool he’d sat on the previous week. Similarly to last week, he was flirted with by multiple men and he had to tell them all that he was waiting for someone to arrive.

It felt so strange to be here. Men were looking at him like he’s eye candy and he knows that’s what he’d be to most men. Apparently, Burke didn’t think he was just eye candy though. If that were the case, Neal would use that weakness to his advantage. Burke wouldn’t even have time to regret falling for him because he’d be dead as soon as Neal’s talons sank into him. He also never imagined that anyone would be genuinely attracted to him.

“Hey, stranger,” a deep voice said from behind him. Neal recognized the voice of that man, which made him tense up immediately. That wasn’t Burke. He could hear two men kiss behind him and it made him sick. Not the fact that two men were kissing, but that a certain man was standing behind him in that moment. Just like last week, a wrench had been tossed into his game plan and threw him off. He hadn’t expected this. In fact, he thought this man had fled the city. The others had, except for Bruce. Bruce had an attraction to him that the others didn’t and he figured he could intimidate Neal into silence. The others had just used him for their own satisfaction that night. Bruce had been obsessed with him and Neal could remember this particular man in the club being an instigator. He’d encouraged Bruce to do things to him that Neal would never, ever be able to forget. “I’ll pick up a twink and we can head into the back.” The man seemed to pause then. Neal lowered his head in the hopes that he’d be left alone. “Hey,” that same voice said from directly behind him. He felt the tap on his shoulder and knew he was committed now. Burke would have to wait because this was far more important.

Turning, Neal responded, “Hey.”

Fortunately for him, the man didn’t seem to recognize him. But Neal could remember staring into this man’s cold, dead blue eyes so long ago. He could hear this man’s voice laughing at him. “You up for a good time, sweetheart?”

Neal forced a smile and nodded. “Of course. I have time.” The man smirked then. He preferred men he considered whores, men who had multiple men in one night. Hence his reaction to the gang-rape back in D.C. “Shall we?” He stood up and the man took his arm, pretending to be a gentleman. Neal knew better than that, but he followed along nonetheless. The bouncer allowed them into the back without question even though there were three of them.

As they were walking through the halls, Neal observed the area. As far as he could tell, there were no cameras. He could understand why though. This man who was guiding him and another young man towards a room was a figure most people would know. His anonymity would be jeopardized, as would his marriage, if he were discovered in this club.

But Neal didn’t give a damn about this man’s anonymity or marriage. That would be the least of this man’s worries very shortly.

•◊•

Half an hour later, Neal was back out in the general club population. He was once again waiting for Burke to arrive. He occasionally glanced around. For one, he was watching the bouncer since the two individuals he’d gone into the back with hadn’t emerged when he did.

When Burke finally did arrive, Neal was relieved. He didn’t understand why he felt relieved though. “Hey, you,” Burke said as he sidled up to Neal and kissed his cheek. “I’m sorry for being so late.” Neal gave him a small smile that conveyed he wasn’t upset or anything that the man had arrived later than intended. It’d worked out perfectly for him, so it didn’t matter.

“Don’t worry about it,” he assured Burke. “You were patient with me, so I’m willing to be just as patient with you.” Burke grinned in response and proceeded to kiss his temple. “Did you want to head into the back?”

Burke shrugged. “If you feel up to it tonight. I won’t pressure you into a back room.” Neal stared up at this man’s face and he actually liked the way he was being looked at in return. Neal wasn’t used to another man looking at him as if his feelings mattered. Not that he had feelings. He’d been dead inside for a very long time. “I actually considered asking if you’d prefer to go home with me. We could eat dinner together if you haven’t already eaten, maybe drink a little… We don’t have to have sex tonight. I’d be perfectly content with spending quiet time alone with you.” The music blaring all around them actually made Neal consider Burke’s offer.

Chuckling, Neal said, “Is this your way of asking me out on a date?”

“I suppose,” Burke responded with a shy smile. “I wasn’t quite sure how you’d feel about that, but I’ve given you a lot of thought since last week.” Neal raised an eyebrow. That intrigued him. “I know you may not be romantically interested in me, but I’m very attracted to you. Even if tonight goes nowhere, I’d like to treat you right.” He wrapped his arm around Neal’s torso and whispered, “Maybe change your mind a little about the topic.” Rage surged through Neal for a split second. He wasn’t going to fall in love with this son of a bitch. It was just going to be sex between them and it would last a brief period of time since Neal had every intention of ending this man’s life mysteriously. He just didn’t like the implication he saw in Burke’s words. Burke seemed to notice immediately and said, “I swear I won’t force you into anything. I’m not like that.” Neal relaxed his posture slightly. “I’d just like to be somewhere quiet, alone with you.”

Neal nodded. “I can’t promise you that I’ll be romantically interested after tonight,” he conceded. Burke rubbed his right hip and nodded. “I’ll be honest with you. You already know I’ve been sexually assaulted.” Again, Burke nodded. “I’ve had sex with a couple men since it happened.” Of course they were all dead now, but that was beside the point. “It’s always just been sex. I’ve never been able to form an attachment to any of those men.”

Burke seemed to take that into consideration. “I can understand that,” he admitted. “I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to trust someone else with your being.” So he did get it. “I’d just like to show you that there are men out there who would give anything to see you smile.” Neal’s cheeks flushed immediately, which made Burke grin broadly. “I don’t want to take advantage of you and I know I can’t change the way you feel about men since you were hurt so terribly, but I’ll do what I can to prove to you that some men are good.”

“I think I can give you a chance,” Neal said without thinking.

Burke kissed his cheek again and whispered, “That means a lot to me.” Neal felt slightly uncomfortable with the touchy-feely nature Burke was expressing as well as how often he proceeded to kiss Neal’s face. “If this goes nowhere after tonight, at least you’ll know what it’s like to have a man truly appreciate his time with you.” Neal’s eyes searched Burke’s. He knew how to detect deception and he surprisingly couldn’t find any in this man’s chocolaty eyes.

He could give Burke a chance tonight. If it went wrong, he knew he could end this man’s life immediately.

•◊•

Neal entered Burke’s apartment and was instantly surprised by the fact that dinner was already cooking and the place looked as if it’d been prepared for a date night. “You assumed I would say yes to you?”

Burke gave him a shy smile. “Well, I can’t say I assumed you would, but I certainly hoped you would.” He rested his hand on Neal’s lower back and kept smiling at him, staring into his eyes. It made Neal’s heart race. “I didn’t want to force you into anything in the club either. I don’t know if you’ve had sex with any of the other guys, but I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable in that setting.” Neal glanced around a little and immediately located the bedroom. From the look of it from his distance, it was a pretty cozy room. “So I figured taking you to dinner might be a good start, even if it’s just here.”

There were no cameras in Burke’s apartment. The man had decent security to keep intruders out, but there were no cameras in any of the rooms or corners of the rooms Neal could see immediately. He’d have to step into the bedroom to observe that a little more closely. There were no cameras outside of the apartment either. This building didn’t have a reputation, so why would the owner invest in cameras? Evidently, the owner must know he’s got a police officer living here, so that in itself may make the individual feel safer.

“It is a good start,” Neal admitted. “I didn’t eat before heading to the club, so this works out wonderfully.” Burke grinned broadly at him. He seemed like he was happy with Neal’s response, so he gently moved Neal further into the apartment before closing and locking the door. Neal watched him closely, observing how giddy the other man seemed. Did he honestly think something would come out of this? Neal couldn’t feel love. He didn’t know what love was. This man was a threat to him, so there was no way in hell he could love this bastard. “If we do have sex tonight, is it preferable that I leave afterwards?”

Burke seemed to freeze up then. He glanced at Neal in confusion. “Is that how you’ve been treated before?” Neal furrowed his brows. “Like a cheap whore who needs to leave when everything’s done. You’ve been treated like that?” Neal didn’t want to admit to that. He hadn’t really had a choice in the matter. Whenever he went home with a man, it was his target and the man wound up dead. Of course he left after sex. Sex was when he killed them. He was careful not to touch very much whenever he was in another man’s home. Less evidence for him to clean up before leaving. “I won’t ask you to leave. In fact, I’d prefer that you spent the night here, but the decision is ultimately yours.” Neal nodded without saying anything else. He didn’t really have much else to say in response to that. “I know you aren’t looking for anything, but it’d be nice if this could go…beyond a one night stand.”

Neal didn’t know how to respond to that. He was going to kill the man eventually. It may not necessarily be tonight since he hadn’t brought his knife with him, but Burke was going to die nonetheless. It was incredibly easy to obtain his trust. Tonight would make it even easier. Burke would probably be asking him to move in by the time the night was over… That would be when he goes home to retrieve some things and comes back with a knife to stab the poor bastard to death.

“We’ll…see,” Neal conceded. He wasn’t promising the man anything and he didn’t have to. He swore to God that if this man said he loved him by the end of the night, he’d kill him in his sleep. This guy was looking for far too much and far too quickly. Hell, he knew nothing about Neal. As far as he knew, Neal’s name wasn’t even Neal. He was Nick.

Dinner was interesting, but it was actually relatively relaxing.

They’d sat across from each other at a small wooden table to eat pot roast and potatoes, both of which had been made by Burke himself. There was no additional mention or conversation about him staying the night or them developing a relationship beyond that of fuck buddies. “Nick,” Burke said softly. Neal looked up from his plate and raised an eyebrow. “Tell me more about yourself.”

Neal swallowed and nodded. He had a whole backstory for himself already. Most of it was going to be the truth though. “Well, I work as a consultant for art galleries. It’s not a regular job, but I get paid well when I can determine whether or not a painting is a forgery.” Burke looked impressed. The thing is, Neal wasn’t even lying about that. He didn’t really need to. If Burke decided to come by and see him at work, at least he was being honest about that. He didn’t need to give Burke a reason not to trust him when the man seems so taken by him. “I’ve always had an eye for details that others don’t really see,” he said with a shrug. That was why he was such a good murderer. He knew where to go to kill these bastards of authority. “I’ve loved art all of my life. It was what got me through a very dark chapter of my life.”

Burke set his fork down gently and looked at Neal intently. “Was that when you were…assaulted?”

Nodding, Neal said, “It was rough. Art kept me sane.” Burke looked sympathetic. “Reading about art and actually teaching myself how to paint worked for me. It was how I got my job, too.” Burke looked genuinely intrigued, but Neal felt like he was revealing too much of himself too soon. “Aside from that, I’m not really all that interesting.”

“Oh, I beg to differ,” Burke said vehemently. “You’re quite interesting. The sound of your voice intrigues me.” Neal looked a little taken aback. “I realize I’m very blunt and upfront with you, but it’s because I also realize you’ve been treated like shit before. Someone like you deserves so much better.” Neal swallowed slowly. “You’ve made it very clear that you’re not looking for love, but I’m hoping to change your mind by showing you how you should be treated.”

Neal didn’t really understand why Burke felt compelled to make him feel like he was worthy of this man’s love. “But why?”

Burke shrugged. “There’s just something about you that draws me to you, Nick,” he admitted. “The first time I saw you, I was just…attracted to you. Maybe it was the novelty of your appearance in the club, but I don’t think so. I think it’s much more than that.” He reached out and gently rested his hand over Neal’s left hand. “If you’re willing to give me a chance, I’d love to be someone who makes you smile.” Neal’s face heated up immensely and he looked away. The scrutiny in Burke’s gaze unsettled him. “Nick, you deserve to be happy.”

“I don’t know what it’s like to be happy.”

He’d said it before thinking about it, but it was the truth. He couldn’t even consider himself happy when he killed his victims. They deserved to die and he took pride in eliminating problematic figures of authority. The most he could consider when trying to describe his feelings when it came to situations like this was satisfaction. He was satisfied with taking away the lives of disgusting men who took advantage of children.

Burke squeezed Neal’s hand and whispered, “If you give me a chance, I promise I’ll do my best to make you happy.” Neal turned to look at Burke again and he could see the sincerity in his eyes.

•◊•

Neal never particularly enjoyed sex. It was messy, rough, and made him relive the horrific events of his rape. He didn’t like having another man’s body against his nor did he like having his body invaded. He also didn’t like being submissive. As a killer, he liked being in control.

But he found himself lying beneath Burke not very long after Burke promised he’d try to make Neal happy. Something about the man made Neal react like this. He genuinely wanted to have sex with the man, which was odd in and of itself. The last time he had sex… Well, he had sex with two men at the club prior to Burke arriving, but he’d killed them both before Burke came. He made it look as if they’d killed each other and he’d escaped with enough time to give himself an alibi of being with Burke. He’d been seen heading into the back with the pair, but only he came out.

The sex he’d had before never felt like this though.

Burke was holding him, breathing heavily against him, and he was so passionate. This wasn’t fucking. Neal’s own arms were wrapped around Burke’s torso and his fingernails were gently clawing Burke’s back. His legs were raised and bent against Burke’s hips, but the man made sure to stroke Neal’s thighs and calves every now and then, ever so slowly and gently.

Neal couldn’t control the sounds he was making. This was the most pleasurable sex he’d ever experienced before and he didn’t understand why. Perhaps it was the way Burke was touching him, caressing his skin, and the occasional kiss Burke gave him as well.

His hair was drenched with sweat, as was the rest of his body, but this was the first time he didn’t feel disgusted with himself.

He was crying out and moaning, which seemed to please Burke. The odd thing was that Neal didn’t think about what he was doing or how he was reacting. He just closed his eyes and let Burke do whatever Burke wanted to do to him. Burke nibbled at his jaw and sucked at his throat before peppering his skin with kisses from his jaw to his temple. “Please open your eyes,” Burke whispered into his ear. “Look at me.” Neal didn’t think Burke would want him to and he also didn’t think he himself could look at the man. Slowly though, Neal managed to open his eyes and look up at Burke. His vision was watery and he didn’t understand why. “You’re with me,” Burke said as he continued thrusting into Neal’s body passionately. There was a difference between passion and roughness in Neal’s opinion. Burke was respecting him and his body unlike anyone else. Then again, no one had ever respected him or his body.

Neal then realized why his vision was so watery. He gasped as he envisioned the man who’d tormented his mind for so long. Being with Burke did remind him of his rape, but there was something so different about Burke because he made Neal enjoy it nonetheless. Neal felt so damned weak as he cried beneath Burke, but the other man didn’t ridicule him or degrade him. “God damn it,” Neal said through his teeth as he shut his eyes again.

“You’re okay,” Burke said soothingly. His right hand came up to caress the left side of Neal’s face. He even stopped moving then. “I promise you’re safe with me.” Neal opened his eyes and stared up at the man. The way Burke spoke to him made his heart feel a certain kind of way that he still didn’t know how to describe. Burke rubbed Neal’s cheek with his thumb and gave him a comforting smile. “Nick, do you want me to stop?” Neal swallowed hard as he blinked back more tears, but he shook his head. The man leaned forward and pressed his lips against Neal’s sweetly before whispering, “Please keep your eyes open. Keep your eyes on me so you know you’re with me.”

And he did. He listened to Burke’s suggestions.

Neal continued feeling weak even as Burke tried to build him up. He knew now that he wasn’t going to be able to overcome his rape very easily. It’d been more than a decade and having sex still scared him shitless and made him emotional. It would be incredibly easy for Burke to take advantage of him and, if he wanted to be truly honest with himself, he fully expected that of the other man. “Oh, God,” Neal impulsively cried out when Burke thrust into him a little deeper than he had.

Burke froze immediately and stared at Neal’s face, watching Neal stare right back at him. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Neal whispered as he panted. “I’m just not used to feeling like this.” Burke gave him a small smile. “I haven’t had genuinely consensual sex ever in my life,” Neal admitted to him. He didn’t know why he said that to the other man, but it was said without thinking. Thoughtless words seemed to be a common thing when it came to Burke. One of these days, he was going to slip up and say something he didn’t want Burke to hear…

The other man looked so heartbroken by that. “Never?” Neal swallowed hard as he stared up at him. “This is consensual, right?” He seemed like he was actually concerned, as if he didn’t want to take advantage of Neal. Neal nodded and furrowed his brows. He’d believed this was consensual given the fact that he’d actually begun to enjoy what they were doing together. “I don’t want you to feel like you need to be here, doing this, if you honestly don’t want to do this.”

Initially, Neal felt like this was required before he could stab Burke in the back. Now, he actually found this pleasurable. That was a first as well. He’d had his fair share of sexual encounters, but none of them ever felt like this. “I honestly wanted to do this,” he whispered. “I just…want you to know that I appreciate the respect you’ve given me.”

Burke kissed him sweetly before pulling away to smile at him warmly. “You deserve nothing less.”

Neal didn’t dread the fact that they resumed their activities a few moments later. Normally, he hated when there was a pause during sex because it dragged out the trauma as well as experience in itself. Prior to Burke, it felt like no one had ever fucked him correctly.

In fact, he moaned more than he ever had before and it was because he enjoyed the experience. An additional experience he wasn’t used to was orgasming before the man pounding into him—or, in Burke’s case, having consensual sex with him. He came in an unexpected rush and let out a startled sound that was intertwined with his cry of pleasure.

Within a matter of moments, Burke was pulling out of him and he removed the condom. Neal stared up at him fearfully for a split second. He hated the idea of bareback sex, and that was where he believed this was about to go.

Instead, Burke began to grunt and stroke himself. Neal’s come had landed on his own abdomen due to how he was positioned during sex. Burke aimed for that exact spot as well and he did it perfectly.

Once they’d both finished coming, they both breathed heavily. Burke was staring into Neal’s eyes as if he were searching his soul. Neal stared back, but it was because he could see how he was affecting the other man. His orgasm pleased Burke and he figured it had to do with the fact that he’d come before Burke did. “Can I shower?” Neal asked breathlessly.

Burke’s brows furrowed. “I… I guess.” He looked a little bothered by Neal’s question and Neal didn’t understand why. “You’re planning on leaving, aren’t you?”

Neal considered it. He hadn’t prepared to stay overnight. “You said you preferred that I spend the night,” Neal said quietly. “Did you mean that?” Burke nodded. If Neal wanted to be completely honest with himself, he didn’t entirely want to go home to sleep in his bed alone. After spending this much time with the man, he figured he could handle staying the night. “I don’t really like going to sleep sweaty,” he admitted. “If you don’t mind me showering beforehand, I can stay.”

Burke chuckled. “Why would I mind? Am I allowed to jump in with you?” Neal tensed up unintentionally. It wasn’t necessarily Burke’s fault. It was just the thought of what could happen in the shower while with another man. He’d been hurt like that before as well. Burke seemed to recognize the apprehension and nodded. He plopped down onto his side and said, “You can have the first shower then.”

The urge to quickly get in so he could get out just as quickly didn’t exactly set in with Neal. He’d rushed to shower when a man fell asleep immediately after sex just to wash away the feeling of being unclean. Being sweaty and covered in come made him feel like he had when he’d been raped. It hadn’t been his choice to orgasm at the time and sweating was just part of the activity in itself. Psychologically, Neal wanted to be clean again. But Burke didn’t make him feel dirty. He wondered why that was, honestly. Why didn’t sex with Burke give him that feeling of being used and unclean? “Fuck it,” Neal eventually said. Not only did he decide to forget about taking a shower, but he stopped himself from wondering about his lacking feeling of dirtiness. “How about we shower together in the morning?”

Burke seemed to like the idea of that given how wide his grin was. “Sounds fine to me.” He glanced at Neal’s abdomen and raised an eyebrow. “I think I’ll clean you up just a little so that doesn’t get uncomfortable while you’re sleeping though.” Neal was about to push himself up so he could head into Burke’s bathroom and take care of that himself, but he was surprised when Burke leaned over him and began to lick his skin.

Neal shivered and closed his eyes as his lips parted involuntarily. Burke was watching his reaction until he managed to lick up as much of their combined come as he could, then he pulled away. Neal opened his eyes when Burke hovered over him. He tentatively leaned closer to Neal’s face, giving him the opportunity to say no if he didn’t want to do this. Neal knew where this was going and it intrigued him.

Their mouths met and Burke shared their come with him while simultaneously kissing him. Burke was French kissing him, allowing their tongues to dance together with the combined taste of them both. Neal hadn’t done this before, but he couldn’t say he didn’t like it. “Mm,” Neal moaned into their kiss.

Burke pulled away once they’d finished sharing their come and they both swallowed. “We taste good,” Burke teased him. Neal chuckled in response and nodded. “All right, beautiful. Shall we get some rest?”

“Sure,” Neal conceded. Being called beautiful made him uncomfortable, but he was trying to act stronger. Words shouldn’t be able to hurt him. It was one thing for him to cry during sex because he was traumatized, but he wasn’t going to cry over someone else’s words. He’d cried enough when he was raped as well as after the fact.

The other man watched Neal get comfortable before pulling the blanket up and over them both while getting himself comfortable. Neal was lying on his side, facing Burke, and Burke turned the lights off before lying face to face with Neal. “Good night,” he whispered to Neal while tentatively reaching out to hold Neal’s hand between them.

“Good night,” Neal said just as quietly. He squeezed Burke’s hand subconsciously. Something about the gesture comforted him. Having Burke hold his hand as well as holding Burke’s hand felt…comfortable, as if they’d been doing this for a very long time. This was their first ‘date’ as well as their ‘first time’ together, but Burke made it somewhat enjoyable for Neal. The conversation was all right, the food was good, and the sex was excellent. That still didn’t change the fact that Neal was going to kill this man at some point. It was just a matter of time and he needed to keep reminding himself of that so he stayed on the ‘right’ track.

In the darkness, Neal felt something stirring deep within himself. It was something strange and something that frightened Neal. He felt warmth spreading inside of himself. It felt as if his ice cold heart were actually being thawed by this man.

That terrified him.


	4. Chapter 4

About a month later and a half later, Neal was in his own apartment preparing an overnight bag. He’d been spending most nights with Peter, but there were a couple nights when he had to stay in his own apartment because Peter was working late. For the most part, they were spending their time together, but they were also going through a bit of a rough patch. The two men who’d gone into the back with Neal at the club had been discovered, so Peter was investigating what happened to them. Upon finding out that Neal had been back there with them for a brief time, Peter was slightly upset. He’d asked if Neal had protected sex with them and Neal had to assure him that he had, but he hadn’t been there long enough for it to matter. He admitted that he didn’t enjoy the sex and that he left shortly after it began.

What he didn’t admit to was the fact that he’d used glass in the room to kill both of them. But he made it look like a murder followed up with a suicide. The story the police were running with was that the one man’s heart had been punctured and his genitals had been mutilated because the other man was jealous of whatever transpired between him and Neal. Neal was initially a suspect, but fingerprint checks didn’t show his prints on the glass that’d been used on both of the men.

The younger man’s throat had been slit first, but the police didn’t determine that. As far as they knew, he’d killed himself after murdering the other man. Neal killed him last and he dragged out that murder as long as he could. He made sure he hadn’t gotten any blood on himself and that he cleaned up any prints that would incriminate him. Of course he had to leave his prints in the room, but he made sure his weren’t on the glass.

Peter had to talk to Neal about what happened and Neal couldn’t tell him that he knew this man before going into the backroom with him. That man had been one of the men who’d raped him before, but he’d slipped off of Neal’s radar for years. Until that night. He took advantage of that night and ended the bastard’s life, but it was odd because it wasn’t his style to slice a man’s throat and do what he did to his former rapist. Well, one of his former rapists.

Fortunately for Neal, Peter believed he was innocent and he defended Neal until the police determined that Neal couldn’t have been involved. As far as they were concerned, he was just a whore who’d whored himself to those two men and left because it wasn’t what he expected. Even the bouncer defended Neal. Neal seemed a little shaken afterwards, which Neal didn’t understand. The man described Neal as looking frightened and upset. Neal definitely didn’t agree with that, but he didn’t argue it either.

Given that Neal was a survivor of sexual assault and that Peter had seen how he reacted during their consensual sex the very first time they’d been together, Peter believed what the bouncer said. He didn’t think Neal was responsible because he believed Neal left due to his emotional and psychological scars. That was partly true, but Neal wasn’t going to correct anyone. He didn’t actively seek to get caught and he most definitely wasn’t going to allow his soon-to-be-victim to catch him this soon.

That case was closed in a matter of days as well and Peter had seemingly gotten over whatever issue he had with Neal during the whole ordeal.

So Neal was making sure he’d have everything he needed while staying at Peter’s apartment for the weekend. He was becoming so accustomed to living with the other man that he actually began to substitute ‘Burke’ with ‘Peter’ when he was thinking about the man. That was unusual for him. Very rarely did he ever consider the first name of his victim when plotting to kill them.

When his phone went off, he immediately looked at it and felt himself smile as soon as he realized Peter was the one texting him. Then again, who else would text him? He has never given his phone number to anyone else before. The message Peter sent him read: “ _I have to do something for a case I’m working on, but I promise I’ll come home as soon as I can. Is that okay?_ ”

Neal tapped the text box to reply to the other man. “Of course. I’ll just see you in a little while then.”

Peter took a few moments to respond, but his last message to Neal was simply, “XO.”

He didn’t want to bother Peter while Peter was working, so he went back to preparing himself for a weekend stay with Peter. But, once again, his preparation was disrupted by a knock on his apartment door. For him, that was strange. No one ever knocked on his door. He never had visitors and his payments were all made on time if not earlier. Glancing towards his bedroom, he considered running in to grab his knife. He didn’t necessarily have to use it, but he could be prepared nonetheless.

Instead of doing that, he made his way towards his bathroom quickly and quietly, shutting the door. If the visitor entered, they wouldn’t immediately see the proof of his madness. The visitor knocked on the door again, sounding a little more urgent this time. So Neal returned to the living area and approached the door of his apartment. “Yes?” he said, sounding a little agitated. At least until he realized who was standing in front of him.

“Neal Caffrey?” the man said. His voice was fully of surprise and Neal paled immediately. Not for the first time, Neal was thrown off of his game. This wasn’t completely unexpected, but it still came as a surprise. “Nick? What are you doing here?”

Neal swallowed hard. For the first time in a very long time, Neal’s heart began to pound rapidly. It almost felt like he was afraid. “I, uh…” He tried to stammer out an answer, but eventually stopped himself so he could form an actual, coherent thought. “I’m…Neal Caffrey.”

Peter was the man standing outside of the doorway to his apartment. Neal knew Peter was going to show up eventually, but it’d taken this long and he was beginning to think Peter wouldn’t even consider him. Hell, of all the people to send… Why Peter? “Can I see some ID?” Nodding, Neal gestured for Peter to enter before heading into his bedroom to grab his state identification. He doesn’t have a driver’s license, so this was the best he could provide. He returned to Peter and held out his identification card. The other man took it and observed it for quite some time. It seemed like he was trying to determine whether or not this was fake. “Why did you tell me your name was Nick?” he whispered, looking up from the card to meet Neal’s gaze.

“It was an alias,” Neal answered. “I didn’t want to use my real name at the club.”

It seemed like Peter wanted to be upset about that, but he also understood. “All right. I need to ask you some questions, if you consent to being questioned.” Neal was trying to pretend he doesn’t know what’s going on, so he furrowed his brows and nodded. The first thing he did was close his apartment door, then he led Peter over to his couch. Peter didn’t sit down, but Neal did. Instead, Peter pulled out a notepad and pen. “Are you consenting to being questioned?”

“Yes.”

“Do you understand your rights?”

“Yes. I know I can tell you to leave at any point or ask you to stop questioning me at any given time.”

Peter nodded. “All right. Do you recall attempting to report an…an…” He swallowed hard. Neal figured this must be difficult for him considering they’ve slept together—literally. Neal has spent the night with Peter repeatedly and they’ve had sex. “…an incident of sexual assault…to Judge John Garcia?”

Neal knew he was going to have to be truthful here, but perhaps with a little twist of the truth considering he didn’t want Peter to know he’s the killer. “Yes. I went to him in two thousand five.” Peter was staring at him, looking incredibly heartbroken. “If I recall correctly, it was July fifteenth around three-thirty in the afternoon.”

“Correct,” Peter said quietly, looking a little flustered as he began to write some notes down on his notepad. “According to the report he filed away, your case was closed and never pursued.”

A brief silence passed between them before Neal whispered, “Yes.”

“Do you know why he never reopened or investigated your case?”

Neal shrugged. “I was fourteen years old at the time. My rapists were also reputable police officers.” Peter’s heartbroken look returned once more. Neal figured the plural ‘rapists’ had shaken the other man. “The ringleader was a friend of my father’s and my father was also a police officer back then.”

Peter was trying to write something down, but he looked as if he were incapable of doing so. “I can’t question you. This is wrong.” Neal nodded in understanding. “You and I… We’re… It’s wrong for me to pry this information out of you. It’s so personal.”

Neal had never seen Peter act this way before, but he supposed he could understand. Peter questioning him was a potential conflict of interest considering their relationship. He could easily swing any incriminating information—if Neal provided any, that is. “This is for your job,” Neal said slowly. “I don’t have a problem. In fact, this works out better because I actually trust you and know you.” Peter seemed a little uncertain. “I don’t mind talking to you, Peter. I’d tell you eventually anyway. This just…speeds along the process.” He shrugged. “Sometimes it’s better to forcefully ease the truth out rather than to wait until it spills out.”

“This is incredibly unprofessional…”

“I’m acting professionally. You’re a professional. Act like one.”

Peter shook his head. “No. It’s just… Seeing you does things to me and it’s difficult to question you when I feel this way.” Neal raised an eyebrow out of sheer curiosity. “Nick, I—” He paused and cringed a little. Neal himself cringed slightly. “ _Neal,_ I’m feeling so God damn conflicted here.” He ended up abruptly taking a seat beside Neal and took his hand, intertwining their fingers. “We’ve been…together…for a month. I can’t believe I didn’t know your real name.” Neal sympathetically watched Peter. That was bizarre. He felt sympathetic? “Now I’m here, asking you deeply personal questions so I can solve my case. That’s wrong on so many levels.”

Neal sighed. “I should have given you my real name, but you seemed to like calling me ‘Nick,’ so I left it alone. I didn’t actually think you’d find out it was just a name I used at the club.” It was much more than that, but he didn’t give a surname along with it, so that wasn’t important. Peter couldn’t find out about some of the things he’s done under this alias. “You’re not at fault for this. I mean, you were honest and upfront with me about your name and your life…”

“But I shouldn’t have started questioning you once I realized you were honest about being my potential suspect.” Neal, pretending he didn’t understand, looked confused. “The judge was murdered a little over a month ago. I’m looking into some of his cases and focusing more so on the ones that failed or were closed without being given a chance—like yours.” He cleared his throat and squeezed Neal’s fingers. “I feel like the killer is a serial killer, but I also thought this seemed like a revenge tactic. The way he was murdered gave me the impression his killer had a problem with him.”

“I understand,” Neal conceded. “I’ll be honest with you—he did fail me. My case was never given consideration because he didn’t want to believe me and because he had close relations to the officers in question.” Neal had the intention of pretending he was a little shaken up by the news that the judge who turned him away was killed, but he felt the reality of the past hitting him harder than he would’ve liked. He began to breathe shakily as he remembered pleading with the man to listen to him, to believe him. That judge had been the only person he spoke to about his rape willingly. Neal shut his eyes and whispered, “I haven’t spoken about being raped since that man told me to go fuck myself.”

Peter’s brows furrowed. “He told you to go fuck yourself?”

Neal began to tremble because he was beginning to feel enraged. Peter noticed that this wasn’t the same kind of trembling he’d seen when they were having sex. “He called me a little whore, Peter. He’s the reason I’ve never wanted to open up to anyone else ever again.” The other man was horrified as he stared at Neal. He hadn’t realized Neal had suffered through being called a liar—and a whore. “My case wasn’t confidential either, so the ringleader of my rape found out that I tried to report him.” Neal began to grip Peter’s hand tighter, tight enough to make the other man cringe slightly. “He raped me again and threatened to kill me.”

He knew he needed to stop talking because that would lead to information that incriminated him. “Who is this monster?” Peter asked. “I swear to God I’ll find him and put him away for a long time. You’ll get the justice you deserve.”

“He’s dead,” Neal choked out. Peter froze. He could see that Neal was struggling, but he didn’t know Neal was struggling with keeping himself silent about being the murderer in that situation. “He was killed the night he raped me again. My parents weren’t around, but I screamed for help. I guess someone heard me through the walls because he was stabbed to death in my bedroom while I was in the shower trying to wash away that monster’s filth.”

Internally, Neal was glad he got through that. He couldn’t tell Peter he’d killed his own rapist because that would definitely make him a potential suspect in this particular case about the judge.

Silence hung between them as Neal continued to tremble beside Peter. Neal was judging himself for acting like this and for nearly giving away the fact that he was a killer. But Peter was trying to let all of this new information sink in. Tentatively, he pulled his hand out of Neal’s and wrapped his arms around the other man, holding him lovingly. “I’m so fucking sorry,” Peter murmured against his neck as he pressed gentle kisses against Neal’s skin. He rubbed Neal’s back in a comforting manner that actually helped Neal relax.

Neal didn’t realize he was clinging to Peter until he took a moment to consider how close he was in proximity to the other man. Normally, that would have made him uncomfortable, but he found himself actually appreciating the way Peter was reacting. He wasn’t disgusted like Neal expected of anyone he ever considered telling, which is why he never spoke openly about being raped in the first place. Peter was the kind of man who understood and he was trying to support Neal, to help him get through this trauma.

This wasn’t normal.

•◊•

As Neal laid in bed beside Peter Burke, he stared at the man’s sleeping face. Something was incredibly wrong with him. Not Peter, but Neal himself. He realized he found himself actually enjoying the man’s presence and he very rarely thought about his plot to kill the man. He didn’t understand why he was acting like this. The sex wasn’t enough to change his mind. It was good and made him feel good personally, but he’d still initially had every intention of killing him.

Neal just couldn’t imagine himself killing Peter now.

It felt like this bastard had brought out part of him that he’d closed off. Prior to this experience, sex was one of the worst things in life. He thought sex was disgusting and only used his body to get closer to his targets. Sex made him feel as if he were used goods and dirty—among other things. Each time he had sex before Peter, he felt this desperation to shower and cleanse himself of the filth. Now, he didn’t feel that way. There was no dreadful feeling as if what he partook in hadn’t been done with his full consent. When he and Peter were physically intimate, Peter occasionally initiated it, but he made sure Neal was consenting. There were also times when Neal initiated sex, which was bizarre in itself because Neal had never wanted sex so terribly before.

Peter’s breathing changed a little and he scooted closer to Neal. “Can’t sleep?” he whispered. He didn’t even need to open his eyes to know Neal was awake. There were plenty of sleepless nights when Neal laid beside Peter and wondered why he didn’t feel compelled to sneak into the kitchen and ‘borrow’ a knife to stab him with.

“No,” Neal whispered in return.

The other man slowly opened his eyes and looked at Neal. “What’s on your mind?”

Neal didn’t think he’d be able to open up that much to this man. “I’m kind of wondering why you’re still with me.” Peter looked a little confused. Of course Neal hadn’t been directly thinking about this, but it was a subconscious thought considering Peter now knows a lot more about Neal than either of them anticipated. Hell, beginning with the fact that Neal’s name is Neal rather than Nick. “After earlier, I’m surprised that you still wanted me to stay the night.”

“Is this why you said no to me when I asked if you wanted to have sex before going to sleep?” Neal nodded. “Don’t worry. It’s going to take a little bit of time for me to retrain my brain to recognize you as Neal instead of Nick, but I like your real name.” Neal smiled a little at that. It was just an automatic response to Peter’s words. “All you did was give me an alias, which I can understand considering the setting in which we met. It’s really not that big of a deal to me.” He rested his left hand on Neal’s hip and gave him a smile in return. “You mean a lot to me. I’m not going to let your name tear us apart.”

Almost as if Peter were pulsating magnetically, Neal shifted even closer and pressed himself against Peter. He curled up against the other man and actually felt good when Peter’s arm draped over his side. “I’m glad you’re not mad at me.”

Peter kissed Neal’s forehead and let out a content sigh. “I can understand why you used an alias and I understand you a lot better now that I know more than I should about what happened to you.” Neal sighed, but it was for a much different reason than Peter’s. “I wish I would have called someone else in since you and I are far too close for that to even be appropriate, but I know now that you definitely wouldn’t have opened up that much to another officer.”

“You made me feel comfortable enough to open up,” Neal admitted. “This whole…thing…we have together has been so damn bizarre.” Peter made a sound of question as he rubbed Neal’s lower back. “You don’t understand that I’ve never… I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” He swallowed hard as he considered what he was doing to himself now. He was being slightly thoughtless, but he also wanted to say this. “I’ve had sex since I was raped, but it always felt awful. I always felt awful afterwards.” Peter’s hand stopped moving against Neal’s back, but Neal felt Peter hold onto him instead. “I thought it’d be the same thing with you. I just wanted to please you to begin with.”

The other man whispered, “But this has changed?”

Neal made a sound of affirmation. Rather than listening to his instincts as they screamed for him to stop speaking because he was digging his own grave, he was letting his heart do the talking for once. “All I ever wanted to do was please whoever I was with. When you and I were together for the first time, it felt so…different in a much better sense. I don’t quite understand it, but you’ve changed me quite a bit.” He was subconsciously rubbing Peter’s chest. He hadn’t even thought about doing so nor did he realize it even as he was doing it because it was just so out of character for him. “I like being with you,” he said softly. “I’ve felt so cold and dead since I was raped, but you just…”

Peter waited a few moments to give Neal a chance to finish thinking or speaking, but Neal trailed off and that seemed to be the end of that. “I just…what?”

Most of the time, Peter was the one who initiated their kisses since Neal himself doesn’t entirely know how to be affectionate, but this happened to be one of those rare occasions when Neal kissed Peter first. “You just make me feel alive,” Neal said so quietly that Peter almost missed it. Neal seemed to realize something then. This was why everything felt so bizarre. He was completely honest about feeling dead and cold inside for the last ten years, but the second part hadn’t come as a realization until several moments after he’d said it. “You make me feel alive.”


End file.
